A Light Bulb Moment

With all due respect to Oprah, who is semi-responsible for this one.

Last week she had a show on about obese teenagers. At one point she asked, "What are you hungry for?" When she said that, thoughts crossed my mind that many people eat to fill voids in their lives, but my weight gain was from the baby, you know.

Over the next few days that question kept popping back into my head. I'd be like "What? Why are you bothering me?" The question stuck around until I finally came up with the answer. It was my light bulb moment, as Oprah likes to say.

A few days ago my mom asked how Sascha had been. I gushed, "GREAT!! Oh, I mean, she had six or seven time-outs, but..." and I waved them off with my hand. My mom remarked that it didn't bother me anymore, and I agreed. Wow. It doesn't. Spending a day with her is exhausting, and she does still throw down half the day (see: Daryl Hannah sans eyeball), but here is the difference: now that she is older, I get something back from her. She looks at me. Interacts with me. Talks to me. Hugs me and comes to me for tickling and kisses. It hasn't always been like this, obviously; I mean, for most of it, she was an infant. But for the first few months of her life, she was physically pushing me away from her, and she spent the next 18 months or so just being difficult. I had spent 35 years hearing about how this would be a love like I'd never known, stronger than anything, blah blah THE BOND blah. I was ashamed to admit that I didn't feel that at all. She never seemed comfortable in my arms. I felt rejected by my own child for a very long time, and I was completely unprepared to deal with that. I don't think I did it with a speck of grace, as I fully documented here.

So what I was hungry for was my child's acceptance. Maybe the reason I hadn't been able to lose the weight is that I hadn't been able to fill that void until just a few months ago. (Dude, I am going to balloon when she's 12.) Just unlocking that piece has shed a lot of light on the past two years. And now? I can't get enough of her.

Unrelated: I saw "Slumdog Millionaire" today and it blew my mind. Soooo good. India fascinates me. That movie deserves every accolade it gets. It also marked another small watershed moment for me, because Nick gave me the day (we each get one on the weekends)... normally I use "my" days to run errands, because feeling resentful (toward him for having leisure time) is easier than feeling guilty (for having leisure time). But today I said screw it-- and went to the movies. And wow, it felt great. Granted, my to-do list is short and non-essential right now; the curtains didn't have to go to the tailor today. Also, I know it's less of a burden to spend the day with Sascha now that she's older and cooler. Still... I'm going to let things go more often and use my "me" time for ME. More often. Not always. But more. I feel like my old self again.