You know how I'm losing weight?
Because I am really good at holding a grudge. Bear with me.
When I was about 12, I got mad at my mom for something and decided that I wouldn't tell her when I got my first period. Several months passed, and when that finally happened, I didn't tell her. I actually never told her myself, she sort of found out. But that's how good I am at holding a grudge. I'm not necessarily proud of that, but in this case, it's working in my favor.
The last time I lost a big chunk of weight was in 1998. I had just had my heart broken, I was facing my 10-year high school reunion the following year (at which I'd be one of three girls without a ring, and one of the other two was gay), and I'd just attended the wedding of my rail-thin cousin two years my junior. I finally got angry. I got really pissed at the way I looked, angry and SICK of looking and feeling bad and ashamed. So I dropped 18 lbs. It took me like ten weeks. It was much easier then, because I was only responsible for myself and could exercise anytime I wanted and eat whatever (and however little) I wanted. I could also afford and freely attend Weight Watchers meetings. But still, it was anger that drove me through all those runs. (Gah! I just realized that my starting weight was roughly what I weigh now! Ah, youth.)
I think it's the same thing this time. I'm the coach of the science team and they had a rather unsuccessful bake sale a few days ago. They stored the leftovers in my classroom, right on my lab table, within smelling distance. I didn't eat a single bite. For three days I put up with this, put up with selling these things to my students all day. But every time I was tempted, a tiny anger bubble would rise inside me and I'd go "NO, dammit, I'm not doing it."
Maybe it's determination, but it feels like anger. Call me simple.
Due to the weight loss, I have had this ti-i-i-i-iny little nagging thought in the back of my head. Would it be the worst thing to stop at one child? It is soooo nice to be getting my body back. It is so nice that she can feed herself and talk, sort of. I'm teaching a unit on the environment, and it's looking like humanity may wipe itself out sometime during her generation, so do I want to make another person suffer through that? Now that I'm getting in shape, my bitterness about never breastfeeding is being replaced with, well, vanity. And I'm not caring about it as much. What if we just had one? We could travel with her. The three of us. We could afford her-- college, wedding, helping her buy a house. I wouldn't have to deal with three months of horrible nausea again. I wouldn't cry for six solid months again after the newbie is born, and OHH all that horrible post-partum pain with the incision and boobs and thrown-out spine not letting me breathe. I wouldn't be re-confined to the house for three more years. I'd never have to go through the agony of wondering if my "advanced maternal age" was creating some sort of genetic monster in my womb. I could drink wine every single day, and sleep every single night for the rest of my life. I'd never have to deal with another miscarriage (which I am so afraid of). Never have to feel that cosmic drumroll every month that we try to get pregnant, feeling like such an old dried-up failure when my period arrives. I wouldn't have to start from scratch always feeling like the Suckiest Parent in the World. Wow, that feeling would be doubled with a second kid because there would be two kids I wasn't playing with. I'd be the double-suckiest parent. Oof.
I could give away all of my maternity and baby clothes and just get on with my life. Move forward. I have been ugly and crazy for almost three years. I am almost pretty and somewhat sane again. Do I want to give that up? Again?
Right now I'm just sitting on these thoughts and seeing where they go. April is the month that we'll start trying again, so I guess I have until then to mull it over.
Friday, February 27, 2009
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10 comments:
No, it wouldn't be terrible to stop at one child. Your quest thus far to have more than one is a choice based upon your personal notions about families and children. Lots of people have just one. My father, the Nicest Man in the World, is a Dreaded Only Child. The life you describe with Sascha sounds amazing...all you could expose her to and show her. And you are right, you could afford college. When I sit across parents now who tell me they need my help because they have three in college, I am always thinking, "Yes, and you knew you wanted them to be college educated when you had them one right after another...how did you think you were going to pay for it all? Why do they deserve more help than the only child in the next desk?" That aside, the short answer is there is NOTHING wrong with having one child. That said, I think you really want two. I think that is how you are wired. :)
I agree with everything Lisa wrote. I think one of the things that stops me from really wanting kids is feeling like I have to have at least 2, because Gene is the only well adjusted only child I know. That being said, I feel like these days having only one can be really cool for all the reasons you listed. And I don't think there is anything wrong with a little vanity and pride in accomplishing this goal with your body, only to have to face the prospect of having to start all over in a year. I get how it can be unnerving. Whatever you decide you know that we will love you and Nick and Sascha endlessly and you will always remain one of the few parents in our generation who I look up to and who make parenthood look like a leap worth taking.
Oh, here's some food for thought. My mom was 21 when she had me. 21! Imagine yourself at 21. Today I consider myself to be a fairly rational (Scott might disagree :) ), thoughtful, usually kind and intelligent being. I can almost guarantee my mom was not a perfect mother. And yet here we are, useful, productive members of society. You have the benefit of wisdom that age has given you. Sascha may think you suck when she is like 13, but she'll realize she ended up with two great parents who adventured, loved, lost, studied, worked, traveled, laughed and experienced before she came into the world just so they could offer her the gifts these experiences had given them. Whether it's one kid or two, they'll be lucky either way.
All I have to say is, I hear you!
We are one and done. We figured we don't like our siblings that much and we can do so much more for her if it was only her.
In the end, it is up to you and what is right for your family
Lisa, you're right about all of it. Also, I love you and Ana so much-- you are way too generous, Ana. I hide in the kitchen to avoid playing with my kid. I do. "Oh... I'm... doing the dishes..." or whatever.
Erin-- see, that's the main reason I do want another, because I'm close to my siblings. Ask Brandy, we have a great time together.
I suppose it's going to be up to biology in the end anyway...
I can't imagine life without my sister. This morning I spent an hour with her on Skype. But I also think, if it's something you don't know, then can you miss it? Also another good thing for Sascha is that she has cousins nearby. I never had that with the military lifestyle, so I think that forced us to rely on each other more. Like you said, biology and the universe will conspire to bring you the answer that's right for you. I think it's great that you are at least exploring both options in your mind and seeing the pros and cons of each.
Ana, I agree. I cannot imagine not having a Kevy around. Because he IS around. But I don't pine for a sister. (As a matter of fact, I used to tell my parents they could have as many boys as they wanted but I had to be the only girl...I wasn't planning on sharing Gene with anyone.) I think you gave Gene a lovely compliment, and I understand if he is the only only child you know personally who is well-adjusted (I happen to know a few more), but consider this-is every person you know with a sibling or siblings well-adjusted? There are no automatic rules on adjustment...it's all in the parenting. My mom wanted four children originally (because that was the life she knew with five siblings)and had two because we were such terrible deliveries. Now that 30 years have gone by, she recognizes that the world is in such turmoil that it's okay to have one only or none at all, just like she who stayed home with us until Kevin went to kindergarten (well, she cleaned houses at night but was home during the day) says now she doesn't think the economy is lending itself to stay-at-home parents and she would welcome a daughter-in-law who didn't put the burden of providing everything for the family on my brother. Just like she would want me to keep working and contributing to my pension and saving for an emergency...because most of us are one medical emergency away from financial disaster. My mom's views have adjusted with the times, and if yours do, too, Abby, that's okay. It sounds like you are in a great place...you can see the benefits of life with just the three of you, and if you let nature take its course and it happens, you will feel blessed, but if it doesn't happen, you will no longer feel robbed. It's a win-win.
Ok, I'm going to be the black sheep comment here and avoid the whole "one and done" issue. I was damn sure we were done after Ava, but every day that she grows, I question it.
Anyway, I just had to tell you that I was a spiteful, grudge-holding teenager, too! I was 12, I was pissed at my mom, and I never told her when I got my period, either! It came out when I was going to overnight camp and she wanted to send tampons in my bag - I didn't want them b/c I knew I wouldn't need them, my period had come and gone a week prior. I finally blew up and told her why I wasn't letting her pack them for me.
Something tells me we're in for a ride with our own girls, that whole "you'll get yours" part...
;)
Hey Abby-I'm fascinated with the conversation and am struggling hard with the same issue. It breaks my heart to think of Mazie as an only child but am not sure I can handle a second pregnancy at 39-40 years old for all the reasons you listed and more. I have Crohn's disease and haven't been able to get it under control since her birth. My body may make up my mind for me, which just pisses me off even more. A friend recently advised me that the answer will come. I hope it does--for both of us. I love visiting your blog and relate well. Email me if you ever need to mull it over and mull it over and mull it over again. It's on my mind all the time. AAAAHHHH!!!
I'm a (well adjusted) only child. It's hard for me to picture having a roommate at the end of the day, as a kid. I wasn't lonely, and I have zero recollection of longing for siblings.
I have struggled for so. long. with the issue of whether or not to have another. I was dead set against it through my pregnancy, and Emmit's infancy. When Emmit was around 18 months I started to consider having another.
From there I was in this obsessive indecisive state for over it for months and months. Over a year of just me yapping about pros and cons (reading book after book about only children, as well as Siblings Without Rivalry, etc) and Garrett being supportive either way.
Eventually I came to the conclusion that if you stack up the pros & cons, having an only child will always win on paper. So? I realised that to make this decision, the pro & con list had to go out the window, and it had to come down to gut feelings, and your vision for what your family will look like in 10 years. In the end, I came to the conclusion that my gut just wanted another. That my vision for the shape of our family down the road was for it to grow. 4 of us around the dinner table, etc.
That being said? I am SO not looking forward to pregnancy/infancy/toddlerhood. Want to fast forward through much of that (save for a few majestic moments of joy, which I know do exist in the haze of crazy), and get to school age. And also? I've realized that after all that obsessing over this decision, my body might not be on board with my plans. So if I can't get pregnant again, then that will dictate the shape of our family. And I think I'll be okay with it.
Oh- and I know I'm rambling, but- I am RIGHT THERE with you on the body issues & lifestyle stuff I don't wanna give up. I am really, really loving sleeping every night, drinking, etc. I'm loving that Emmit is big enough that Garrett and I can leave him with my parents for an entire weekend and go away. That I've left him with Gar for 4 nights and gone away for "girl time" with my friends. Knowing that I'd be starting over and not being able to do that stuff for a couple more years is really hard.
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