Oprah

Kate and I watched yesterday's show on motherhood, and it was fantastic. Of course, I had to turn the volume up to 50 (normal = 22 or so) and squat next to the TV to hear it over the small army of tiny humanity (our three girls). It also sent Nick into a quiet snit, but Jesus, it was one hour.

I have to make this quick because I still have to make copies for class in 20 minutes. I just wanted to add to the show's discussion about the pressure mothers feel to be "good" mothers. I think for me, the pressure isn't so much to be a "good" mother, although I feel that too; I think if Nick wasn't such a great father, I wouldn't feel nearly as guilty about being a "bad" mother, but then of course I'd have other things making me feel bad.

No, the pressure I feel is the pressure to enjoy it. I've mentioned this girl before, but I have a friend from college who recently had twins after years of infertility treatments. I am thrilled for her, of course, but she will never, ever admit how hard it is. The sleep loss is fine, the sick kids are fine, they're growing up way too fast and it's all WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL and she races home from work every day to see them. And that's fantastic, really. I'm just so glad she doesn't live next door or I would have a serious inferiority complex. I do not rush home every day. In fact, I make up excuses to dawdle at work, to buy myself 15 extra minutes of alone time where my chest isn't tight and my nerves aren't on edge waiting for the next tantrum. I mean, I don't stay here an extra two hours, but still, I'm not rushing out the door either.

That being said, although it feels like geologic time, Sascha is growing up and becoming more fun every day. When she says something intelligible, like "I like orange juice," it feels like the sun breaking through the clouds. It feels like my head is going to burst from the joy. Whether it's joy from seeing her grow up or joy because it's a break from Toddler Hell, I don't care-- it's awesome.

Gah-- There's the bell... here come the troops. Time to think about moon phases.