I don't know if I can do this anymore. Yes, I mean keep up this blog. I created this to be a respite for myself, a place I could go to talk about how I honestly felt about this experience, without worrying about shocked-face reactions. The problem is, I told people about it. And over the past six months or so, I have hurt several people (on different occasions, for different reasons) by what I've said.
I came here to escape the pressure to feel a certain way, and then invited the pressure right in. Dumb. What I need to do is tell these things to a therapist instead. When things are bad, I'm reminded to be grateful. When things are good, then people are envious and I feel guilty. Even just saying that sentence is going to ruffle some feathers, and I'm just done.
I don't know what's going to happen with the blog, because my true self always seems to bubble up to the surface, like a chronic rash... but I am going to embark on a New Me project. I am going to focus on being grateful and happy, and most importantly, fucking quiet. Yep, I'm folding. I will not be able to keep the peace inside my raging mind, but at the very least, I will be able to keep the peace outside of it. I may or may not write about it. Either way, I have to take a break. I can't make anyone else cry.
Sorry.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
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26 comments:
Hi - Before you leave I just wanted to let you know I have really appreciated your blog. I have a daughter a little younger than Sascha and have struggled with the frustrations and (dare I say) disappointment of motherhood. My situation has involved colic and reflux and endless crying and waking up every 2 hours at night every single night until the child was 8 months old. I was nearly stark raving mad am a little terrified of repeating the experience. Things have improved but there is still a gap between my motherhood reality and the glowing reports of others. I never went through that awe-filled, snuggly, num-num-num phase that so many people seem to. I know my situation is not exactly the same as yours but I share many of the same feelings -- a roller coaster of love and WTF (why me? why her? why are things working like this?!). I can understand backing away from the blog to save your friendships/family relationships. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing what you have.
Wow, I had this thought this weekend: The problem with this blog is that while it's a cheap alternative to therapy, people who might be horrified or offended by what Abby would tell a therapist if they were present for a session of raw emotion and conversation are reading this and not letting her just vent, they are calling her on what she posts and now it's way less effective than therapy or private journaling because it is causing her more stress. Somewhere, people lost the message that they didn't have to read it.
Seriously. I thought it and even shared it with my mom yesterday.
So to read what you wrote last reaffirms why you are so important to me that to call you friend seems to diminish the strength of our relationship. We can be so freakin' like-minded.
I know this has been a great outlet for you at times, and I know you will find another way to decompress if you decide to close it down for good. I know that you have a full life and people you love who love you back and you are not one of those people who blogs 24/7, so closing up shop won't be the end of the world for you.
You can always vent to me. I might not always understand, but I won't hold it against you. And although I love you dearly, your approval or disapproval doesn't change my own course if I feel strongly enough about it...I seek it and am grateful for it, but if how you see things in your world gets me agitated about my world, then I need to rethink my world.
So...cheers to whatever you decide to do. You know how to find me.
Long time lurker. I really hope that you continue to write. Even though I am one of those women who fits happily into the category of glowing new mother (complete with adorable, snuggly, well-behaved baby). I have always enjoyed reading your blog. I think your honesty is wonderful, and I know that the frustration you describe is much, much more common than anyone else is willing to admit (and I will certainly admit to moments of immense anger about specific parenting situations).
I am really sad that you are not going to blog anymore. You are a beacon of honesty and humor on the net, and I've yet to find anything else even close to being as truthful, entertaining, and REAL. I've mostly lurked, and have posted just a couple of times - I'm the one who has a 20 month old little boy, who is mostly wonderfully sweet, but right now is in a hitting stage that is getting very frustrating...oh, and I also have a 17 year old daughter..yes, I loved that pregnancy oh-so-much I waited an entire generation to do it again (both were very welcome "surprises", but surprises, nonetheless). We just got home after a very shitty Easter weekend, complete with the baby choking on a yogurt covered raisin and projectile vomiting all over his carseat, himself, and the interior of the car. It's almost midnight and I'm up waiting on the 3rd load of laundry to get done, and then up at 5 am tomorrow for the commute and work and pray that he's not REALLY sick and one of us has to stay home, etc...
However, the last thing you need to hear is that you disappointed me when I read that you are not continuing - instead, please know that I and many others have truly enjoyed reading this blog for the truth, humor and "thank god I'm not the only one who HATED almost every second of being pregnant, childbirth, and breastfeeding.."
Take care and please, if you decide to start another type of blog, on another topic, let us know here - I plan to check back every once in awhile, hoping that you will reconsider and just give a big old "F YOU" to the people who are upset!!
Susan in Texas
I've been following your blog since I googled PREGNANT BITCH one day at work back in 2007 when I was pregnant with my first daughter. I was feeling crazy, not normal and almost hating being pregnant, and was trying to find someone else or even just an article that justified and validated my feelings!
Not only is your blog well written, hilarious, and honest....alot of the things you write about going through totally hit home with me (during my pregnancy AND after). There are somethings that I may not agree with you on....but overall, I NEVER judge what you write (good or bad). Because this is ME, and unknown person reading your personal feelings and thoughts that I actually TOTALLY appreciate! The only thing that stops me from feeling like I'm intruding like a stalker, is that this blog is public :)
So while you can't change how other people may have reacted to your blog, and you can't control who reads it...I just wanted to say that ITS NOT YOU!! No offense, ITS THEM. This is your space. If they want to read this, then imo, they should respect that and leave what they read here be.
I do not blog, I read them. This blog has always been a great treat! You are a woman who has talent putting her feelings into words and I'm sorry that selfish people will take that away from you...so stop blaming yourself, stop making it about you :)
Another lurker here- I found your blog while pregnant last year, and your writings helped me realize it was Ok to HATE being pregnant. I love the end result, but your sharing your experience was a godsend to me when I kept hearing about how happy I should be and kept getting looks from people like I was on crack when I bitched about how miserable I was. If you do close this down (though I hope you won't), I wish you all the best!
Abby,
I've also mostly been a lurker, one of those people who check your site once a day for new entries but promptly switch if I find that there was no new insight for me to enjoy that day. (I probably account for a good number of those people who are on for a microsecond just to check if there's something new.) Anyway, I'd like you to know that I've really enjoyed reading about your pregnancy and your blog was great respite when I was pregnant and not loving it, as well as when I struggled with body image issues. I've laughed and cried reading your entries and will miss them! Thanks for sharing your story and I will miss Sasha!
I can’t say much more than what the other posts say (and certainly not better), but as someone that has been reading from almost the very beginning and had my daughter a few weeks after Sasha was born, I am so sorry to hear I won’t get any more updates, especially when they are so witty and well written. I too check for a new post every day.
I have almost posted comments probably 20 times because so much of what you write hits home even if my situation is not exactly the same. I am currently pregnant again, due any day, and was counting on your blog to get me through baby #2 – which I am scared shitless about by the way. (What makes me think I can handle two kids?!!) I feel really strongly about women being able to be open and honest about what is real, whether it is marriage, pregnancy, motherhood, work or the balance of all of those. You have no idea how many discussions I’ve had about breastfeeding in just the last few weeks about women who struggle like you did, but feel so much pressure they won’t cut themselves any slack. They’ve asked “why can’t I do it when it is so easy for everyone else?” Well, it isn’t easy for everyone and it isn’t fair to think it is. That is why writing like you do is so important for women to realize they are not alone.
Is it weird that I am sad I won’t be able to be a voyeur anymore? I do understand why you feel you need to stop and I hope you are able to find a good outlet, but I am still disappointed! Wishing you and your family all the best.
I wish there was a way you could just start over with an anonymous blog that you could somehow secretly share with those of us who are unconnected to you or unoffendable, because your honesty is really valuable to a whole bunch of us random, internet-stranger mothers.
I wish you all the best and I THANK YOU, truly truly THANK YOU, for your postings all this time. You helped me through my pregnancy and to this eighth month of my kiddo's life.
I'm still here, still reading... thank you all for everything you've said.
Just give me a little time. Next week I'm going to build a huge garden I've been planning since, well, maybe 1990? When I'm done with that I might feel better. I hope. Right now I don't.
Thank you so much for such an entertaining blog! I've been reading for about 1.5 years now - jeez, time flies.
Good luck to you!
Gday. I've also mostly lurked, but occasionally commented, from Australia. I enjoy your amusing style and ability to vent, and be raw, and brave, and thoughtful, and to recognise that it's a complex world and the deifying and condemning of women that goes on constantly (often in the same breath) doesn't help us all.
So am terribly sorry to hear that you're feeling raw and exposed and as though you've compromised friendships. Hopefully, you haven't. But I admire the fact you haven't been censoring yourself. I've been blogging, too (about being the parent of a child with a disability - as well as ranting about politics, books, and whatever's getting up my nose), and sometimes hesitate because I tend to steal other people's stories, retell them and comment on them. So I've found your candour inspiring.
Having said that, you're doing it for a purpose. To give yourself some space and identity and time and a chance to be yourself. So if you're feeling constrained, do something else and enjoy that garden.
But hey, I'll still be flicking in to look, in case you start tapping away again . . .
Cheers and best wishes
don't go!!!hope you do come back- your blog is addictive! always the first I read because it is so refreshingly honest. I understand your decision though. all the best to you & thanks so much for sharing!
I'm not going to beg you to stay or anything like that (although I'm a long-time reader and I certainly do like your blog).
I just have to say - blunt and honest, sorry if it's offensive - this "I fold, I hurt people's feelings" thing is crap.
The world needs those of us who are willing to be open and honest, sans the sugar-coated goodness that is on EVERYTHING now. Even if only via the written word.
To those who've been put off by something you wrote: it's a good thing your neck enables your head to turn away, so you don't have to read this.
Just my humble opinion, of course.
I wouldn't be reading this if you were all meek, sensitive, and politically correct. I'll take your blog straight up, please, no twist =)
Another long-term lurker in Australia (US expat) here...like many of the views already expressed, I've appreciated your blog as I figure out being a first time mother. I frequently check in and often wish for better times for you - you have had a very tough ride. Yes, a good therapist is a great investment in yourself, but I hope the people in your life learn to cut you some slack. Even if you only choose to write about your garden, I'd still read because your humour and honesty would shine through there too (and probably offend all of your friends who aren't into organic farming, or didn't plant heirloom veggies, or disagree with your stance on fertiliser). Go build your garden...I'm doing the same and I find myself sorting out life's bigger problems as I pull weeds. You've only got so much energy in this life - only devote it to the people and things that are worthwhile. We are hoping your blog makes the cut. :) Take care.
As you know this is an issue I have struggled with in re my own blog, and I did fold and start an anon one (w/o the in-laws knowing about it, this time).
If I could say what I wanted to them, it would be what other people have said. A blog is a person's spot to do what she wishes -- not necessarily to stroke people's egos and assuage their doubts. If you're reading someone's blog and it offends you, lay off the blog for a while. Or comment, on the blog, anonymously -- but think hard about what you write first. And above all, don't take stuff on the blog really personally. Give the writer the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she's talking about another relative who drives her nuts, or another oh-so-happy mom, or maybe she's just had a bad day and the next time you see her in the real world she'll be perfectly fine. Is this really so hard for people to do? Is it really so different from our normal interactions with others?
It's funny, since I gave up on my non-anon blog all the people who ruined it for me have indicated (to my husband) that they miss it. That's too bad, because they are the ones that spoiled it, for me and themselves.
I hope you may be able to help your friends have a more balanced perspective about what your blogging means, and what it doesn't. But if not, I hope any blogging you can continue to do is satisfying. It's a real shame because this blog has been so helpful to all of us who don't know you personally. And helpful to you, I hope.
Good luck w/ the garden. Because of the move we are not sure if we will get one in this year. But we haven't give up hope.
Abby, you've given so many of us so much and all you seem to get in return is ass-faced wingers who can't handle (or more importantly respect) the real, raw feelings of others.
I don't agree with everything you blog, but appreciate fully your ability to come on here and write with such frankness.
Those people who complain have almost certainly related to the contents of this blog at one point or another and it has, for many of us, been an absolute rock through uncertain and scary times. But you're only as favorable as your last post, huh?
From me: you're great at what you do, don't believe anything else and don't feel the need to apologize to anyone for it :) Enjoy your break and I hope to see an entry from you again in the non-too-distant future.
Please don't apologize for being you. That is what I love the most. You are brutally honest in a really fake world. I will miss your posts a great deal. I see ALOT of my daughter in yours and feel I can relate. I hope the garden is everything you hoped for and more, you deserve it.
Well Hell, can't say that you couldn't see it coming.
It would be easy to say go pound sand to those who get their feelings hurt by this blog, but your friendships are as important as your family, or so this blog has told. You have unraveled tales of friendships that brought you to Nick, helped you know/deal with Sasha and gave you some sanity through the years.
Sometimes it's best to take a step back and re-evaluate what you (Abby) wanted from this blog. A legacy to your family? A place to vent openly? An invitation for criticism to/from strangers/family where it's not face to face and you can each react as you like? Maybe this blog, like some friendships has given you all you needed and you can go on to something else more productive and rewarding for you.
I, like many others, have read this since I was pregnant with my daughter in 2007. I re-read it when I was pregnant with my son in 2008. Your honesty, wit and in your face spirit is lovely and will be missed should you decide to walk away.
Give your family and your garden lots of love - There's no doubt all will flourish from your attention!
Noooooooooo!!!!! Tell the haters and the cryers you are stopping with the blogging and then start again somewhere secret and just tell your adoring and ridiculously grateful readers...us! So sad that it has come to this. You have been a voice I have always looked forward to hearing from since 2006. c'mon, screw them, keep writing!
Abby,
I am so sad to see you go. I found your blog when I was pregnant in 2007 and you've helped me so much through the last two years. My son was born with some medical issues we didn't expect and it's been so tough and so depressing. You've made me feel so much better on many days and made me feel like I wasn't alone. I hope you reconsider.
I like what Lisa said.
If you close it down, because it's lost the therapeutic appeal, i hope you keep a paper copy of it, like a diary.
If you DO shut it down, i BET i catch myself doing a search for I SUCK blog. ;o)
go garden abby! i need to go seed some myself.....
No, no, no!!! Don't do it!! Well, garden a bit THEN do it!
Being in New Zealand I will never meet you personally, so this is the only way I can tune in to what's on your mind...and it is a highlight of my busy full-on week to read your articulate, insightful and honest writing.
Seriously reconsider!!!
Much love,
Kiwi Karen
I saw your post 10 days ago and even left a comment but still find myself checking daily to see if you're back...
I too check daily just in case.....
I am checking too! You are on my 'favourites'.
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