This morning I was going about my business. As I reached into the fridge for the half & half, the expiration date reached out and smacked me across the face.
August 15th.
My due date for my last pregnancy (or, "pregnancy").
My dad had warned me that I'd be feeling sad again around my due date, and I secretly thought, "nah, that's a hundred years away, surely I'll be pregnant again by then." Hmm, yep. So here I am, not pregnant and feeling bad, right on schedule. Not devastated or even teary, just a little down.
And yet! Still torturously ambivalent! For the nine thousandth time, I am still balanced perfectly on that fence. Loving Sascha's independence. But seeing babies on TV and craving the feel of that tiny body curled up like a shrimp in my arms, wondering if I could breastfeed a second baby or if a second baby would even lie in my arms. Seeing my sister still have to chase after her not-quite-two-year-old, still needing baby gates and such, and thinking UGH I am so over all of that. But seeing her kids play with their siblings, and oof... what a lame life Sascha would have if I deprived her of that. (I am aware that comments are open, say what you want, but I had a kick-ass childhood with three great siblings who are now great friends. I stand by my lame life assertion.)
I have an appointment with the coolest midwife on the planet next week (or the week after maybe?). I'm going to see what she thinks. I just want someone to tell me what to do. I want a definitive answer: I am infertile. Nick is infertile. One month of clomid would work. Just something definite. Something final. If she puts me on clomid, which-- ehh, shockingly, I have mixed feelings about-- then I'll be on it for like one or two months before it's time for us to use condoms again. Naturally this brings forth the "stop trying to time it for the school year" nags, which-- people, (and by "people" I mean Mom*), if I was given the choice between having a newborn at the beginning of a school year or never having another baby, there would be skidmarks on the floor from me heading to the computer to put all the baby stuff on Craigslist. Dust hands, end of story, no intentional babies from September through February. Surprise babies? Of course I'd be thrilled, I'm just saying they'd be the result of a faulty condom. An actual surprise, not a "surprise."
I'm tearing my freakin' hair out with this. Also, I've had the same conversation with seven different people over the last few weeks-- people in my same situation who are like "yeah, I want it, but dude, I just cannot go through that again."
Also, I haven't written in like two weeks because (A) same old boring shit with the endless mental whining about a second baby-- even I'm tired of it, and (B) I've been teaching summer camp and visiting with out-of-town family. I've spent more time writing this post just now than I've spent with my own child in the past two weeks. August will be free and boring. There is a part of me that wants to think I will spend the month getting freaky with Nick trying to get pregnant, but in reality I will be working on my kitchen. That's just how I roll. (also, I'm sick of actually trying and then being disappointed. At least I can paint my cabinets and stand back and go "there-- done" and actually accomplish something I attempt.)
*Hey Ma, in your defense, I did just say I want someone to tell me what to do. Heh. Love you.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
4 comments:
Hi Abby,
I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks with my first pregnancy. By the time the due date rolled around, I was 3 months pregnant with my beautiful baby daughter, but it just hit me on the flight back home from a business trip across the country with my boss sitting next to me, and I just couldn't stop crying. I understand the sadness. I wasn't devastated but I was just so so sad and felt like somehow I failed to "protect" the first baby. I sympathize. Good luck with the meeting next week. Thanks for your blog!!
Hi Abby,
My mother-in-law told me after my miscarriage that I would always remember it, think about the birthday and always be sad about it. She had one and was 73 when she offered that. She encouraged me to accept it and embrace it in a sense. It sounded like "blah, blah, blah" at the time but now I consider it some of the best advice and support I received.
You let me know if someone tells you what to do. LOL. I'll pay big for that. :-)
Good luck!
p.s. Are your other two siblings younger/older? I always thought you and Jennifer were a twosome.
Thanks April. There are two more siblings-- my brother Pete is like five years younger than me, and Kate is about 1.5 yrs younger than him. So we're like two twosomes, if that makes sense-- they were little kids when we were in HS. Except now Kate lives three houses down from me and we're all adults with families, so the dynamic has changed. Kate and I are closer than we've ever been, which is nice.
Well, you know I always here you on the ambivilant thing. I feel like I've let go of the whole issue a lot, actually, and am fine with one. For me that's probably a little easier, being an only child myself. I know I can tell you a million times that it's not a lame existence, and that the stereotypes are flat out wrong. That if you read any study on the issue, they always point to singletons turning out just as happy as siblings. But it's understandable that you'd want to emulate your childhood, and give Sascha at least one sibling.
But? I have to say. I think I had my epiphany on this subject when I realised that the pro-baby side of me was barely winning half the time, in my head. I realised that to actually bring another person into the world, I would need to get that up to a solid 70/30 or better, where most days I'm actually on board, otherwise why do it? I wouldn't put it past myself to regret having a second. All I could think about was the days I would inevitably have (with two kids) where I would wonder what the hell I'd done to my life, and I'd feel sick just thinking about feeling that way. In that future.
Anyway, rambling again. But I want to ask: what is making you think you're infertile? Did you have trouble conceiving Sascha? I'm sure you've heard the stat that it can take to perfectly healthy, sperm producing, ovulating couples a year of properly timed sex to conceive. Why the rush?
Post a Comment