Grateful

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. We started school and it's taking me a while to adjust to (read: recover from the shock of) the full school day. It's exhausting. That, and I have two very challenging classes. One is a freshmen science class. I love the subject- intro physics- but the kids are like puppies on a sugar high. They have the attention span of a housefly. The other class is straight out of "Dangerous Minds," except they're not dangerous, they're just annoying, and they ignore me the same way Michele Pfeiffer was ignored in that movie. They're also at the end of the day. So when I get out of work, I have to focus on Trying Not To Die Of Exhaustion until bedtime. I'll get used to it.

I just felt compelled to post because I saw the first episode of "Biggest Loser" a few nights ago and it hit me hard. One of the contestants lost her husband, 5-yr-old daughter and 2-week-old son in a car accident, hit by some dumb kid speeding. The thought of this is too big for me to get my head around, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. One moment she's a wife and mother, the next moment she's not. Hearing her story sobered me and shook me up. Since then I haven't been able to take my eyes/hands/mouth off Nick or Sascha. A few days ago I was trying to watch Oprah. Sascha put on my high heels and was stomping around the hardwood floors making a huge racket. Nick said "I'll take her in the other room," and I said "no no, she's fine"-- thinking to myself, that woman would give anything to have her kid interrupt her TV show.

In short, it's freaked me out enough to keep me in a near-constant state of wide-eyed frantic appreciation for everything in my life. Look! Beautiful weather! Healthy parents! The phone rings, and I'm "HIII MOMMM!!! HIIII!!" And what a gorgeous, wonderful daughter I have! She can wipe her beet-stained fingers all over the curtains, that's fine! This overcooked meat is the best thing I've ever eaten! My job is hard, but I love it! My spare tire is irrelevant! And so on. Every time I touch Sascha I'm trying to memorize the feel of her. I woke up in the middle of the night to touch Nick's back last night, so it's even getting to me in my sleep.

Being this positive is really good to a degree. It's sort of what I imagine it would be like to take Ecstasy (I heard/saw a lot about it in college, I was just too chicken to try it myself). (I sound so dorky saying that.) I just hope the semi-panic and fear recede eventually. Ugh, but considering how addicted I am to this show...

Are any of you watching?

Oh, and a post-script:

I think I am completely at peace with the fertility thing. I am pretty excited about the prospect of moving forward in my life with one kid. Another would be fine, but I am enjoying where we are so much that it's obscene, and I kinda don't want to mess with it. So she's not potty trained. So she's almost three and still takes a bottle of milk (yes, a bottle) twice a day. Meh! She is fun. She sings and whispers and plays with the dog. She's magical, and completely satisfying. It is hard sometimes with the whole Daddy-preference thing, and some days it really gets to me and makes me wish I had a kid that wanted me back. But today she climbed on top of me as I stretched out after my run, and that was enough.

Anyway, I'm seriously not tracking my cycle anymore. I don't care. I know, I know, "watch, now it'll happen," but as we all know, getting pregnant is not the issue... I am guessing I will have 2-3 more false alarms/early miscarriages, and then my personal deadline will arrive and that'll be that.

And then we'll go to Europe!! Wheeee!!