Where I've been

Sorry, it's been a month! Yikes. I have been flirting with Nervous Breakdown territory. School has hit me like a freight train this year. I can't figure out why this year is so different from the previous 11, but I can't get my footing. I think it's because of my lower-level classes. Normally, I have one. Under normal circumstances, the class has about ten kids, most of whom just need me to slow down. They'll have learning disabilities but nothing too severe. There are usually two or three kids in there who have only spoken English for a year, so they need me to simplify my language. Usually this class is my favorite.

This year... I have two of these classes. Each has about 18 kids. Each has about 4-5 kids with SEVERE disabilities, usually with attention span and fooling around, but it's at a level I haven't seen since I taught in Hell Los Angeles. And it's bad-- a few of them even smell inhuman, like livestock. Some look like what your mind would conjure if I said "nuclear waste"-- they're one step away from being the three-eyed fish on the Simpsons. They are wrecks. I saw one girl dig around in her nose, completely unselfconsciously, like a toddler-- and then put her finger in her mouth. She is 17. Instead of kids who are struggling with English, I have a few who speak no English at all. Not a word. The problems are exponential, and the classes are breaking me.

Add to that the lack of flow in my day. I feel like I'm tripping and falling all day long. Each class is something totally different (I've taken on an intro physics class this year), so there's no momentum, I have to switch gears every hour-- wipe the board clean, get different papers out for the next class, etc. And with the ungodly amount of kids who get special services, my phone is ringing all day long, interrupting me constantly. I've got sped kids, ELL kids, kids in emotional support programs, you name it, so there is constant tab-keeping and paperwork and phone calls tracking down kids or aides. My day is a clumsy 100 mph mess from start to finish.

Most of the time I feel shocked and bewildered, like why can't I get it together, what the hell is wrong with me. Not a question, a growled statement. The responsibilities on my plate are like a pile of oranges at the grocery store. When I lose one of them-- forgetting my bag at home with that day's lesson, finding that the printer only has hot-pink paper in it and the photocopies I make from that are too dark to read, unexpected assemblies or fire drills, that kind of thing-- it sets off a chain reaction towards me losing my mind because I cannot maintain a train of thought. Ever. The more balls I drop, the more I'm losing my students' attention, and it's just snowballing. I am honestly worried that I'm going to have a stroke. I can't take a day off to recuperate because I've already been out for a conference, and soon I'm going to have to take some days off to stay home with Sascha when my mom goes to France for two weeks. Days with her are not relaxing, but at least it will be one day that I don't have to answer 20 phone calls from sped in the middle of teaching. I won't have to say "now where was I?" all freakin' day.

So that's that. School has splattered me this year and I'm still trying to put my guts back in. I suppose the upside is that the three "normal" classes I have are amazing, full of fantastic kids.

I'm spending the day today trying to figure out ways to make my week less crazy, planning outfits and meals now, so hopefully I'll be able to breathe again soon.